Let me tell you this first. This is not a blog showcasing the beauty of the Jodhpur city. Instead, this is the journey of me searching my creative mind drowned somewhere in between my fast-flowing river of thoughts. The time where I had to struggle to do what I am passionate about.
Going off track
I reached Jodhpur that day evening as a part of a travel assignment with the list of all the places I wanted to visit and abounding with the excitement of capturing all the travel photos of this new place I have never been to. But that evening and night were kept aside for resting my mind and body for the city exploration that was about to happen for the next 2 days.
It all started the next day, I woke up, got ready, and reached the first destination. But it wasn’t like the day before. All the abundance of excitement receded and my mind distracted with random thoughts. I was not bored or tired. No, no. This was far worse. I felt like my well of inspiration was draining out.
With many travel photos frames in my mind, I clicked some photos. But when I looked at these photos on the screen, it made me say “Congratulations on these crappy pictures. Thanks for nothing, my useless brain”.
The more I try to suppress these random thoughts, the more my brain pumped it out of nowhere.
Exploration begins
Nothing was working for me and I knew that if I have to continue with my camera, I need to make peace with my primitive brain. But how do I do that?
I was not sure of anything. But I had these kinds of situations before where I used to take a break from my camera to make these thoughts go away.
So that’s what I did, again! I gave up my plan of capturing the travel photos of Jodhpur and told myself “maybe it’s good to take this break and live in the moment without the distraction of the camera”. Without the slightest expectation that the next set of ideas are going to change all these thoughts, I chose to abide by the last thought.
I started walking around with my camera strapped around my hand like an ornament. I started observing the environment around me without my camera close to my eyes.
People walking all around me. Some enjoying the solitude while others enjoying the company of friends, family, dear ones. Some people talking while some shouting and some others whispering. Some watching the view around them, while others enjoy viewing their phone screen. Like this, my mind started to wander and I started to ease.
The Idea of change
With the travel assignment off my mind, the dab of ideas started to surface. Most of them, I ignored, but then one of them moved me unexpectedly.
What if I was that kid again? The younger version of me who just got the camera, taking all the random things I observe? The time where there is no pressure of any assignment, just me and my new gear.
A small chill rushed through my body. I knew at that moment that this is exactly what I was going to do.
I tightened my grip on the camera. I saw a bird flying and I took a shot of it. The kid in me said, “too easy and normal for a kid, let’s make it complex.” And I did! Yes…. that old lady around the corner looks so cute and, I took her photo. Who is that young lady looking outside the window? I don’t care! I took the photo.
A while ago there was the chain of thoughts which left me stranded and it turned out, because of that, the older version of me is now standing with a relatively old camera and a lot of curious thoughts. There were no travel assignment thoughts on my mind, I was trying many other areas of photography which I least bothered about. I see a different side of me still unexplored.
At the end of the day I knew I didn’t achieve the travel assignment which I came for, but I felt great, satisfied, and happy.
Digging deep
With all the fog in me dissipated, I wanted to know what was blocking me earlier that day. So, I started digging deep into that.
Maybe all the random thoughts started the chain reaction but when I started taking the pictures and looked at them, then it wasn’t the random thoughts anymore.
If I look closer and be really honest, it was nothing but fear which was blocking me. Yes, fear!
Clicking one bad photo combined with the thoughts revolving around my mind made me fear.
Fear that I am a terrible photographer
Fear that no one will look at my photos
Fear that someone will look at my photos
Fear that people will judge
Fear that someone has taken the photos better
It’s all fear everywhere
But after this day I realize that I passed that fear. It doesn’t bother me anymore and I have learned to live above it. But is it gone forever? I don’t think so, and next time I’ll be ready. Ready to explore another part of me.
Everyone say fear is not good, don’t they? I’d say not all fear is bad. And sometimes, when you fall into bored and lazy routines, realizing that you are not doing anything new, fear is the way of your brain telling you to loosen up and go a little crazy about the things. To dig and find the part of you buried by the time, with or without your knowledge.
Thank you!
That’s it for now, follow my Instagram @fernwehphotoz to get the updates on my latest (mis)adventures 😉
And don’t forget to check out my photos in Gallery!
